Film Review: Avatar

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Imagine, if you will, Dances with Wolves crossed with Braveheart crossed with Jurassic Park crossed with The Matrix crossed with Apocalypse Now and then blatantly ripping off the Battle of Pelennor Fields from LotR: The Return of the King, with token nods to both Aliens and Gorillas in the Mist with Sigourney Weaver's presence.

Next, remove any shred of originality, and add 250% extra corn.

Then use that as the basis for the pitch to the studio executives for funding, perhaps resigned to the fact that you know they're going to drop some of the high concept stuff to make it more 'audience friendly'.

The visuals in Avatar can be awesome - particularly the bioluminescent night scenes but the 'plot' is ghastly, trite fare.

There's a planet called Pandora (that seems to be orbiting a gas giant, but I digress), and it has its own indigenous species, all of whom seem to be equipped with a Universal Serial Bus port in conveniently dangling fronds which allow the Blue Cat People (they have a name, but I didn't have a notebook) to control them telepathically.

Anyway, Pandora is also the source of the richest deposits of a special mineral which I'll call Unobtanium, and the Evil Mining Company™ have bought in the Marines to assist in 'relocating' the natives so that the Evil Mining Company™ can continue their ruthless rape of the land.

Our hero, Jake, is there by accident - he's a former Reconnaissance Marine who lost the use of his legs in action previously, and is just your average 'Just followin' my orders, Ma'am' Marine Grunt. His brother, that is, twin brother was some brilliant PhD boffin, but was sadly killed before the film started (in one convention busting (lack of) development, we learn no more about brother's demise), and said brother was being lined up to control one of the titular Avatars, a remote controlled organic body that was keyed to the operator's DNA, but was generated from the DNA of The (Blue Cat) People.

The idea behind the Avatars was that the humans would gain the trust of The (Blue Cat) People, and then betray them persuade them to relocate from their ancient, sacred holy site so that the humans could rip it to shreds to get at the Unobtanium.

This film doesn't deal in shades of grey.

Anyway, the scientists all resent Jake's presence (No!) because he's untrained, and just a knuckle-headed marine. But (shock!) he turns out to be a natural at Avatar control (I was shocked), and quickly befriends the daughter of the chief of the local tribe. Unfortunately, this does have some political consequences, 'cos she was sort of betrothed to the Warrior Dude Who Doesn't Like Jake (gosh), but she falls for our boy (Aww), only for him then to apparently betray her (anguish) for reasons beyond his control (because we still need to empathise with Jake).

What really irks me about films like this is how you have your American Exchange Student enter the fic and after just three months of Hogwarts prove themselves to be better at everything that the natives try to do, because they are Merkin and they is made of AWSUM. oops, sorry, mixed fandoms there. Still, you know what I mean.

So it will come as no surprise that our boy Jake ends up as leader of the natives in a battle against the evil humans. You can guess the ending, I'm sure.

Some of the visuals are epic, and the Apocalypse Now shots of the swams of bi-rotored 'copters are great. Much of the film, though, feels like you're watching a film of someone playing the video game - quite literally, some of the scenes look to be pure, pure gaming levels, at the end of which Jake levels up to gain a new power.

If you can leave the brain at home, then it's quite a pretty film, and some of the depictions of Pandora (particularly the Hallelujah Mountains) are fantastic. Pass on the 3D, though - for the most part it was both incidental yet simultaneously intrusive.

Yes, it had its moments, and yes I've seen worse. And for the visuals alone, it's worth a look - just be prepared for the onslaught of corn and cliché.